The Edge
by BlazeorFade
Summary: Dean is close to gone and no one see's it. M for suicidal thoughts. Now with A Sam chpt. and a John chpt. by request.
1. The Edge

**Title: The Edge**

**Author: BlazeorFade**

**Rating: M for suicidal thoughts**

**Summary: Dean is close to gone and no one knows it.**

**Disclaimer: They own me not the other way around.**

**AN: Not in the Hunters 'vers. Promise to get started on the next in that series soon. **

Can'tDoThisCan'tDoThisCan'tDoThisAnymore. I think again and gain as I paces the length of the room, running his hands through my hair, over my face, down the back my of neck. Again and again and again.

Its all wrong. It shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't be like this. I look down at the pen and paper on the bed. Coordinates. More fucking coordinates. I want to throw it across the room. I want to trash the fucking room.

So many guns just a few feet from me. It would be so easy. Just aim and pull the trigger and it'll all be over. No more brothers who hate me, no more Dad's who don't care about me. No more being alone. Can't do that though. Gotta look out for Sammy.

Ha what a pathetic excuse. He doesn't want you to protect him. He wants you gone. And he certainly wouldn't stick around to take care of you. He never did before. No one did.

I want t o call dad and shout at him. "I hate you!" I want t o scream at the top of my lungs. "You ruined my life! Took everything from me!" I don't though. I can't. Cause I don't hate them and that's the bitch of it. Sam killed me and I can't hate him. Dad destroyed me and I can't hate him either.

So I'll get in the car, smirk and pretend its all okay. I'm falling apart, so close to the fucking edge. They don't even see do they? They don't even care. Of course not. They don't have to care. As long as someone's there to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces they don't have to see anything past what they want. Someone's covered for Sam all his life, been there to pick him up. Someone's always been there for dad to dump his responsibilities on. Me.

That gun's looking better and better.


	2. The Game

**Title: Game**

**Author: BlazeorFade**

**Rating: M**

**Summary: Set at the end of Simon Says. Sam stands on the edge of the dam and ponders taking one more step. **

**Warning: Suicidal thoughts.**

**Disclaimer: No ::sigh:: They aren't mine. I just play with them.**

**AN: Because Huntress said I should do a Sam and a John chapter, I decided to continue. Although I don't think this was by any means as good as Dean's chapter. I can't get into Sam's head the way I can with Dean. **

'He's pushing us.' Sam thought again staring down at the rush of water below. He was sure of it. The demon was pushing them to the edge, testing their limits, pulling their strings without even touching them.

Every time he had a vision Sam wondered if this was it. If this was the time he'd lose to this power he couldn't understand. Every time he was something horrible happening to someone else he wondered if he could really save anyone.

Every time he looked in the mirror he thought about how many people were dead because of him and he felt himself fall a little more. If it was between becoming a killer and dying himself, Sam would rather be dead.

His foot dangled over the edge, his body hummed with adrenaline. One step and it would all be over. One step and it wouldn't hurt anymore. He put his arms out and tilted forward a little, playing a dangerous game.

Sam was just so tired. He could sleep if he stepped of that ledge. And it wouldn't be fucked up anymore.

**-Fin**


	3. The Memory

**Title: Memory**

**Author: BlazeorFade**

**Rating: M**

**Summary: Set around 'Home' in S1. John can't hold on much longer.**

**Warnings: Suicidal Thoughts**

**Disclaimer: No I just play with them.**

**AN: See Author's Note from 'Game'. Its basically the same deal.**

John sat on the grass next to Mary's grave, with a bottle of liquor in his hands and a straight razor in the other. He drank and contemplated that razor. He felt it like a phantom limb over his wrist, the cold metal slicing expertly through fragile skin. He'd do it the right way. Make sure there wasn't any hope of being saved.

He looked at Mary's grave and his eyes filled with tears. He loved her so much it killed him. It drove him to the very edges of his sanity when he lost her. He wished he could say he's left that dark place, but the truth was that he'd enveloped himself in it, used grief and rage to hold himself together.

But it was when he tried to remember her without thoughts on revenge and couldn't that he knew it was all over. From here on out it was just a waiting game for death. He'd spent so much time and anger on this hunt that he couldn't see his wife any other way but pinned to a ceiling. Her laugh, her voice, the way she smelled were lost to him.

Now John just waited to die, wishing he could do it himself.

**-Fin**


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